It’s 5:30 in the morning and I haven’t had a wink of sleep yet, but I have this gripping urge to write this. I don’t even know what I should write, but I’ll let the words flow.
Today, I am 6 days away from being twenty. Twenty. Twenty years of life– twenty years of living. Right now, as I look back, I feel as though I’ve felt enough from life, yet I know there’s still a lot more to experience, a lot more to get through with, a lot more feel, a lot more to realize, a lot more… and still a lot more. Life just has endless things to offer. If I could, I’d want to welcome my every share of it, and I am hoping, by getting through with them, I don’t become someone I don’t want to be.
To the self-centered little brat, to the insecure little girl, to the apathetic, weak little girl, to the selfish young lady who didn’t want to bear her share of the weight of the world: Hello to you guys, I am Shaima. Who ever expected you all would become me, now and here? God really works in an unimaginably amazing ways. And I am really, wholeheartedly thankful for all of the things that He involved in my life—both painful and wonderful. They all have been His instruments in making me who I am right now. I don’t know about the future, but I do pray that He allows me to become someone who He would love, someone who could live by His ways always. I do pray that He allows me to become someone who would constantly aim to become a better believer, a better person. I wish to be able to live a Life according how He has ordained us to live our life. Always. Ameen.
Life is a constant struggle—and most of the time, we struggle with ourselves. In other times, we struggle with the world. I have experienced struggling with both at the same time. The pressure from people around me, the fear of not knowing what right things to do, the act of pushing away every weight that people tried to put on my shoulders, all of it—everything—once had me as an apathetic, cowardly, selfish girl who wanted to run away from everything—from the world. And indeed, I’ve managed to run away. Or so I thought. By God’s Hands, in my attempt to run away, I’ve realized that I’ve in fact, faced the world. Before, I never even had a clear view of what kind of Life I’d want to lead. I had no great plans—I was just drifting through the days, living—unknowingly waiting for that salvation that would free me from the cell that I’ve confined myself in. I’m just lucky perhaps—that in my attempt to throw everything away, I’ve learned how to embrace life, to welcome a lot of things that I never thought I would. That in doing the most cowardly thing possible in order to run away from the pressure from everyone and everywhere, I’ve found strength. I’ve found the strength to open my heart to people, to the ones who love me, to open myself to Life. I’m just really thankful that God gave me a chance to face my fears, to face my nightmares when I ultimately wanted to run away from them. I even crossed oceans just to achieve my goal then: to run away. Never did I think, and imagine that my fears and nightmares would be waiting for me in this other end of the country. I was really fortunate that life gave me another chance in spite of my evasion. It gave me the chance to see the things that I refused to see, to battle with the things that I was too scared to even face. Indeed, God Has great plans. He always Has, which is why I have learned to entrust my whole life to Him, and I am really praying that He always accepts me, to have me as His faithful servant. The future is an ever uncertain thing, and I could only pray that He always Guides me in my every step through this journey.
To the people in my life, thank you for being part of it. To the people I love, and have loved, thank you so much. Right now, I am just really content with what I have, with what have been blessed to me. Thank you so much for accompanying me in my world, for contributing in my experiencing what life is. At the end of this road, we won’t always be with anybody. We’d be left with just us and God. And I thank you for all the shared experiences, the shared memories, the shared things. The shared. Thank you.
It is hard to get attached with people, because as you move along with life, there would come a time when you would have to separate, no matter how you don’t want to. However, I’ve realized that no matter how painful separations are, having yourself attached with others, is all worth it. The laughter, the happiness, the tears, the heartaches– all of it would be worth it, and would be worth treasuring as you walk, or run, or fly forward. In their own ways, the little things certainly have their contributions on the kind of life that you would be leading. Every encounter with people is important. Every encounter with anyone would have a mark in our lives, whether we realize this or not.
And so my beloved, I am praying that God provides us the things that would be best for us. The future holds no assurance for us, and hence I am praying and hoping that if, one day our lives start to diverge, we’d still somehow find ways to make them meet at an intersection every once in a while. :] May God bless us all with everything.
Uhm. That was so out of nowhere, don’t you think? Teehee. I love you all.
