Something to look back to

written June 3, 2011

Some thoughts have piled up over the weeks and they’re all over the place, and I don’t know how to organize them at this moment. I’ll just write, and please bear with me if you ever want to continue reading this, and find out later on that it’s all over the place too — and you may have just wasted your time reading through this.

Anyway. I warned you.

A few months ago, I was writing an entry about my graduation, and then all of a sudden, I’m right here trying to write an entry about something that is yet about to happen. The anticipated near future.

As some of you may know, I will be enrolling in a medicine school, and you know what that means, right? It’s trying times. I am well aware that it is extremely, extremely difficult to go through medschool. I know that. I’ve been discouraged by some people many times, but what can I do? I just don’t see myself in any other field but this. However, I know that knowing the difficulty is an entirely different story from feeling it – which, I am yet about to do.

Thus, I am writing this entry just so my future self could have something positive to look back to during the times when I would be pushed to the limits, feel trashed and stomped on, possibly feel worthless and not good enough. I am just anticipating. However, this is what I want. I know it is difficult, but I’ve already made up my mind, and felt it in my heart that this is really what I want. If one day I have a change of heart, and I become a different person (May God protect me from that), I want to look back to this time, when I have the zeal, the passion to do this.

I remember one of our lecturers while I was still in Public Health. He told the class that during his medschool days, when he was at the verge of giving in, he told himself that “Hey! I have to go on. This is what I wanted, and I can get through this.”

It is not advisable to fret over something that has not yet come, but I just want to have something to look back to. I want to feel this burning passion again, if one day it packs its bag and deserts me (God forbid).

Shaima, you weighed your thoughts for months, and came to conclusion that Medicine is what you want, and you’re just about to go through it, then please, please, please… go through it. Until the end. Keep fighting. You can do it. You may not be the best in class, you may not be the best, but you can do it! By all means you can do it. God is with you. Your family is with you. Your friends are with you. Your ideals are with you.

Remember… Finishing medine is not an end for you. It is your means. A means for you to be able to do things beyond yourself. By becoming a doctor, you would have the means, the tool to be able to provide service to the people that need you. Those people that do not receive the care and attention that they should get. Please. Please. Don’t change for the worse. Become someone better than who you are now. Do not forget this time. Please, do not forget.

I do not know what is in store for me, of what I would become… but I certainly pray that I do not lose this passion, this eagerness to take a hold of goodness, and to scatter it around. I pray that I become a person who genuinely, genuinely wants to help. Even through the extremely trying times. Allahumma Aameen.

For something that has not yet come to existence, I could only pray, for it is something uncertain. Who knows… I may not even be alive to reach that extremely trying times. But just in case, I do… I want to wield courage, patience, and fortitude.

I have very, very, very big dreams. Dreams that are so beyond myself. But living in the kind of world that we have, I want to do something. Something that would make an impact. Something that would change lives. I don’t even want to be remembered. I just want to change lives and touch hearts. I just want to instigate better changes. You may have heard of this from hundreds of people before me, and you may say gasgas na yan… but from the bottom of my heart., this is really what I want to do. This is something that I’ve set myself to do to be of service to the Ummah that I know Allah (s.w.t.) loves so much.

You may say I’m a bit arrogant to dream such a big dream.. but I choose not to give up on it. I may be just a small person.. ordinary.. but I believe if we choose to step up, and go beyond ourselves, if we set our heart, mind and soul to it… maybe… maybe if God wills it, we just might be able to do it. We might be able to do great things. Things not comprable to the small and limited things that we are capable of doing at the moment (although we should not understimate these too these small things may be great things to certain people ).

Again, I am writing this in anticipation of the difficult times I might face in medschool. I’d like to remind myself of this. I should not give in to the pressure, the negative forces, and the toxicity of the life as a med student. I must remember that surviving this thing that I am about to enter is not an end. It is a means for something else, to continue walking forward. InshaAllah.

That is all. This entry is for myself. Some of you may be on the same boat as me, yes?

PS.

Remember this excitement mixed with nervousness. Remember this time.

Just another story told

written April 15, 2011

Four years ago, one naïve small town girl who was just seemingly floating through her present life back then got lucky and managed to enter the premier university of her country. She had no clear vision of what kind of future she wants for herself, and not even in her wildest childhood dreams did it occur to her that she would one day be studying in this university. But then, fate with all its mysteries surprised her and took her from the stagnant environment, and instead, injected her to a very dynamic environment.

 

Well, actually, her world has always been dynamic – only this time, she allowed herself to see this.

 

She barely knew the world back then – she was 16 years of age, cowardly, and running away from the nightmares that was her present at that time. For the sake of change, and for the sake of breaking free – she traveled miles. She was extremely afraid – partly because of her inexperience, and partly because she didn’t know what is in store for her in a completely strange place. She prepared herself for the worst, including the thought that she would be ostracized by a community which she is yet about to meet. Because she was different.

 

However, as cowardly as she was back then, and as afraid as she was – she tried to go on with it. Hence, she entered a university which was miles and miles away from her home town. A university she deemed so high that she didn’t even see herself entering it. But she did, and the series of changes happened in her life.

 

It was four years – only four years, yet all sorts of changes happened in every aspect of her life. She grew up, she started to open her eyes to the world, saw how unfair the world is, she was hurt several times, she became tired, she, she was brought several times at the brink of giving it all up. But time and again – although it was so much difficult, she tried to keep moving forward. It wasn’t an easy feat.

 

But amidst and in spite of everything, she considers herself very lucky. And she would like to embrace everything involved in her life – and she would like to embrace whatever that would present itself in front of her. Good or bad. Painful or otherwise.

 

She is so grateful that God led her in this university. A university that is so diverse and so much respecting of everyone’s individuality. That way, she was given the chance to be her – and the university accepted her as she was/is. She was salvaged from experiencing discrimination and bigotry which she much loathed. With that, she was eternally grateful for all the people that she met as she journeyed through her college years in the University of the Philippines.

 

To the professors, she thanks them with all her heart. She feels thanking them with that wouldn’t suffice. She thanks them for the inspiration, for the knowledge, for sharing indispensable lessons that couldn’t just be learned within the confines of the university, but more importantly, beyond them. She thanks them for the principles that they knowingly or unknowingly instilled in her – which she would carry as she continues moving forward to the next journeys of her life. She thanks them for the passion, for the love that they have for the country, for the idealism, for the encouragements, for the extreme patience, for selflessly presenting parts of who they are to her, and her fellow students.

 

To the strangers that became her great friends – she couldn’t thank you enough. Her life away from her family has been bearable for the last four years because you were there. You were there to distract her from her anxieties – and to keep her focused at times when she need to. She would like these people to know that she really, really, really, really loves you. And the thought that she might not be able to share things with you instigates her deepest angst. However, she knows that she and you should continue moving forward, chasing dreams, to be able to become the persons that each of you (and her) would like to become. This is not the end. Although each of you are going forth to different and separate paths, she knows that it won’t necessarily entail an end to the wonderful bonds she has formed with each of you. We have been through so much – so, so much together. Which is why graduation is so much bittersweet for her. Let’s continue walking forward to a brighter future – a future where you and her will be able to translate your dreams into realities – where you and her would be able to make impact in different people’s lives – where you and her would be able to make better changes. In God’s will.

 

To her parents – she owes so much of what she is and what she has to you. She thanks you with everything she has for supporting her throughout her journey in pursuing tertiary education. She knows it wasn’t easy for both of them. They’ve sacrificed a lot just to provide her with a good life (away from them). They’ve endured pain, hardships – things that she perhaps doesn’t know enough. For that, she would like to let you know that she is very, very, very, extremely thankful for the both of you. She doesn’t know how she could repay you – to make even with the things that you’ve given up for her sake. And she would like to apologize to you. She’s sorry if she has demanded more than what you could possibly provide. She’s sorry with all her heart. And she’s hoping that one day, one day… she might be able to return even a portion of what you’ve given her. The culmination of things that have happened in the past four years, she would like to share it with you. This was for you.

 

To God who is her Everything – she is eternally grateful, and eternally remorseful for not having to fulfill her duties as a servant of God at all times. But she thanks Him so much – for everything – as in everything that He involved in her life. She’s still so much lacking – but she prays that she could become a better person for Him. To God, who served as her sole inspiration when nothing else can. The thought that He has always been there never left her to feel alone – although she was living her life away from her family.

 

She thanks God for letting her experience what she has experienced throughout her life – for teaching her lessons – and for allowing her to see the world with her own eyes – little by little – and for helping her along the way.

 

It hasn’t been easy. The sleepless nights, the hunger, the pushing of one’s own limit – everything. And it is so relieving, fulfilling – yet unfathomably painful to have arrived here – FINALLY. After everything, she has finally made it.

 

As she stands at the portal of her next journey, she would carry what she has accumulated in the past to this day. In her continuing pursuit of her dreams, she would like to carry with her things that she has acquired. Graduating from the College of Public Health – her college is “neither a beginning nor an end” as one speaker said.

 

This is just a continuous walking to that destination which she is aspiring to arrive to.

 

She thanks everything – and everyone. Thank you for being part of her life.

 

To her future college: College of Medicine, she knows her journey with you would be harder, but she is looking forward to seeing you.

Rewind. Play. Forward. Play. Pause.

written June 2, 2010 (last year!)

The worst thing about coming home is leaving again. Every time I go home, I want the time to slow down even for a bit to at least make my fleeting time at my hometown seem long. In a year, I only get to see my beloved family members in a span of 20 days. It’s lonely, really. But I know I have to keep chasing my dreams. I have to continue trying to spread my wings even if its price is really big. Things in this life all have their own prices after all. When you gain some, you lose some.

Every time I leave, I brace myself for another fast-paced life. Each time, I content myself with looking forward for my possible next visit home. Even if it’s 5/6 months later. It’s as if the highlight of my every year is those two days (in a year) when I’ll be flying back home. That means, my time moves every 6 months. That’s a little weird, but yeah, in the span of five or six months, I comfort my loneliness with the knowledge that perhaps God will allow me to see my family for 10 days or if I’m lucky, more. Things have been like this for some time, and now that I’m thinking about it, it has been already three years since my life has been like this. Three years. Three years of living away from my family. Lots and lots of things have happened to me, and lots and lots of things have changed. And in those many changes, although I welcome changes, sometimes, I long for something which has remained the same, something that reminds me of how I used to be, and what I used to be like. Years before.

One of these things, I should say is that one place which I could call my own, a place where I belong, no matter how things have drastically changed so much for me. In my witnessing the unfolding of the world with my own eyes, in the midst of all of its changing faces, I long for that one place where whenever I think about it, I feel the security of never having to be lost somewhere. Because if I do, I’ll always have something to find, something to remind me that I’ll have a place to return to.

I’ve talked about my family. Returning to my family every 6 months. Yes, that’s true. But it isn’t as well. It will be if I’m the only one who’s gonna have to do the returning. But in actuality, when I said returning to my family regularly every six months, I meant, returning to my sister, my grandmother, my cousins, aunts, and uncle. My mother, my father, my other sisters are also tasked to do some coming back. Theirs take longer, and that’s what makes things lonelier.

Summer (Philippine summer, i.e. March-May) of this year has rather been extra special. That’s because aside from being able to come back home again, my mother and sisters also came home after two years. Yes, two years. It has been two years since I last saw my mother and other two sisters. And I can’t believe I was able to manage to get through the two years away from them. It has been really… I don’t even know how to describe it accurately. It’s beyond something. But for the lack of proper term, let’s say, happiness. I got to spend some priceless times with the whole of my family, minus my father. Things like this seem a little too precious. And because they are, they seem a little too fragile as well. And that’s why while it’s there, I tried my best to make the most of each of those things. It won’t be long till they’d be separated from me again. And alas, now, they are. I’ve come back to Manila, away from my sisters, and those at home, and my mother and one sister flew back to Middle East.

It really is lonely. But I won’t say it’s painful. It’s not like saying goodbye. It’s just separation for a while, but you know one day, you’ll come flying back to one another. Well, it’s more of, hoping and praying that one day, you’ll be able to come flying back together. We really can’t be sure of what might happen later, or tomorrow, what more in months? Years? But if praying keeps me going, I’ll never stop doing it.

In the time that I’ve been with them, I’ve made lots and lots of memories. It was, after all, time for me to accumulate things as much as I can. But accumulating memories is a double-edged sword. While it’s comforting and happy to remember them, they will also never fail to induce that pang in your heart because they are no longer there. They are just… memories. But one thing that I comfort myself with is that, at least I have them. It is a reminder that once in my life, those memories used to be actual happenings, and one day… one day, I might also be able to experience them again. Maybe not exactly the same, but at least with the same people. One day. InshaAllah.

Okay, enough of this. It is now time again for me to press my forward button. Though it’s bittersweet to look back, I should now look forward, as I used to. Life has to go on. Though I know that we move forward separately, at least we all are. At least not one of us should be left stuck in one place, and that one day, we might meet again, in our continued moving forward.

Time both heals and pains me. That’s why I am still thankful for it. And I’ll always, always want to move forward with it. It’s lonely now. But I know, I will never ever be alone. I never have been, and I know, will never be. I have God who is my constant comfort and support, who never fails to bring me solace whenever I come crawling for His help, with everything that’s happening to me. And I have my friends who make me happy as well. Friends who in my absence from home give me an alternate place where I could feel the belongingness. And there’s also life to keep me both distracted and focused. :p

It’s now time for me to prepare myself for whatever I might face tomorrow. To those people, I really, really, really love and treasure you. So much. Until the next time I see them, I’ll try to live my life according to how I see I should live it, and continue looking forward to be able to sprout some wings, and looking back to keep my roots. But I also won’t forget to cherish whatever that’s happening to me in the present.

Rewind. Play. Forward. Play. Pause?